By Mike Gustafson//Correspondent
Swimmers don’t let other swimmers dress as swimmers for Halloween.
Seriously guys: Halloween is the one day every year to pretend to be something other than a swimmer. I get it, though. You already have the “swimmer costume.” You’re exhausted from long practices. You don’t want to plot a government shutdown or Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball-themed costume since you just don’t have the energy or time. You exit swim practice, put on your full-length suit, cap, goggles, and flippers, and venture out into the Halloween night as what you already are 24/7/365: A swimmer.
But we can do better! Here are some swim-themed Halloween costume ideas. Pass this list to the swimmer on your team you know is prepping to be a swimmer. Because real swimmers don’t let swimmers dress as swimmers. (If you need more swim-themed costume ideas, check out 2012’s list, too.)
Chlorine: The Element
It’s lethal. It’s every swimmer’s kryptonite. It’s perfect for Halloween, and nerdy enough to get laughs. You can shout spooky lines like, “I’ll deteriorate your hair!” or “I cause bloodshot eyes! Bloooooodshot!” Yes, this is a reoccurring swimmer-themed costume idea. It’s just that awesome.
What you’ll need: A large sign that says “Cl” a la Chlorine on the periodic table. Also a spray bottle filled with pool water.
A Swimmer Who Cut Himself Very, Very Badly While Shaving
This costume is equal parts Halloween and “swimmer problems.” Everyone’s known that one swimmer who ventured into his Taper Shave like a Tasmanian Devil, only to emerge half-drained of his own blood.
What you’ll need: Fake blood, a shaver (though you should take the razor out beforehand), shaving cream, and swim suit and cap, blood-stained towels, and blood EVERYWHERE.
Katie Ledecky’s Destroyed and Battered World Records
Katie Ledecky destroyed world records this year. So dress up as a beaten-up world record. Walk around saying, gasping and coughing, “I just got beat up by a 16-year-old girl. Someone. Please help me.”
What you’ll need: This one is a bit more difficult, but it could be pulled off. A shattered touchpad, and the old world record hanging loosely by a thread. Then grab an audio clip on your cell phone of Rowdy Gaines going nuts. Replay it constantly.
The Inventor Of Butterfly
OK, so the inventor of butterfly wasn’t actually that scary. But no “invention” in the world of swimming has caused so much grief.
What you’ll need: Elaborate and exaggerate. Grab a lab coat, a maniacal grin, and one of those gigantic pointers. You’ll probably need some sort of German accent, even though the butterfly was invented and refined in Iowa. “Vould you like to experience pain, yah?”
The Clueless Lap Swimmer
We’ve all seen this lap swimmer. Huge snorkel mask. T-shirt. Board shorts. Cannot do flip turns. Their heart is in the right place, but when all you’re trying to do is swim a 3000-yard practice, and they’re huffing and puffing in the fast lane (when all slow lanes are open) nothing’s more frustrating.
What you’ll need: A snorkel mask is key. After that, get creative. Swimmies, flippers, a misplaced cap… The key is to constantly get in the way of everyone else, then refuse to get out of the way.
Michael Phelps’ Comeback
I’d rather see Michael Phelps himself dress up in a suit and goggles and pretend to be his own comeback… but if he won’t do it, then someone else can.
What you’ll need: A Phelps cap, a horde of medals hanging around your neck, and a really, really intense look on your face. You could pair up with another swimmer who could pretend to be a French relay swimmer. You’ll also need the “Eye of the Tiger” playing on your cell phone, constantly. Then you’ll have to reenact that “Phelps Face” that NBC showed after the French won the 400 freestyle relay this summer. (Google it.)
The Swimmer Nap
Every swimmer wants to nap. So, you could either just skip Halloween and actually go nap... or you could dress like a nap.
What you’ll need: A pillow, a parka that’s used as a blanket, a broken alarm clock (from hitting it too many times), and a very tired look on your face. Then again, if you’re a swimmer, you probably already have that tired look on your face.
The Mysterious Pool Glob
Every swimmer’s worst nightmare. One second, you’re swimming, warming up. The next, a mysterious glob of goo, hair, and UFPOs (Unidentified Floating Pool Objects) floats into your mouth. You spit. Gag. Cough. And then, mysteriously, the Pool Glob disappears. Gone into the vast watery blue reaches of the pool, journeying to haunt someone else’s mouth. Terrifying.
What you’ll need: Tape, hair, and lots of goo.